MKR Rundown - Episode 7

MKR Rundown - Episode 7

Who can believe that the cocky lawyers could actually cook?! I guess they did what they said they would do and made us haters look like morons. Anyway, it is the second group starting tonight.

The miners Alex & Gareth are on first. They are working out. "There is no better way to gear up for the weekend..." than with some gear? Alex & Gareth have been in the mines too long. Apparently food is their love. Their passion. Second only to XXXX I imagine.
Entree is a miang of crab, it is Asian apparently.
Roast duck for main. The boys can't find the lychees in Coles though. A lovely Coles worker shows them where they are and the crisis is averted.
Chocolate lava cake for dessert. Manu explains how he wants to see the chocolate ooze out of the cake like lava. The boys admitted earlier that they laugh when they are nervous. It is starting to give me the shits. The boys put an anvil on a makeshift bench.
"It really is the miner details that count" that there is a mining pun.
If these guys came up and told me they were minors, I would probably assume that they are underage before assuming they meant that they worked in a mine.

"For us Italians, eating is like making love!" not sure what these guys eat, but hey who am I to judge. Luciano & Martino aren't doing much for Italian stereotypes so far.

The Apple music ad is four African American women (I assume they are famous, I don't recognise any of them) dancing in a kitchen talking to Siri. Us Australians can really relate to that!

The contestants all pretend to get to know each other as if they hadn't rehearsed it 100 times. The Italians deny that they are a couple. If they aren't a couple then I am gay Elvis.
Nelly and JP are a painful couple aren't they. The Indonesian sisters seem like a hoot. They are going to be able to cook, well traveled.
"I've pretty much always had a six pack" says the annoying pre-selected bitch in the bunch. Lets call her Zana2 since I missed her name. The judges arrive and the miners' brains simultaneously stagger as if they are glitching out.
Martino loves the judges' eyes. The table guests go through the menu and tell us how they hadn't expected it from a couple of bozos. Zana2 annoys everyone. She doesn't like the menu. "I'm just not a big chocolate person". Everyone disagrees with her, me included.

The boys chest bump as they prepare to bring entree to the dining table. Neville and Kelly are pumped to dig in and Zana2 isn't happy that the oranges haven't been segmented. I think we should segment her brain and remove Broca's area, to shut her up for a bit. The judges weren't impressed with the dish. The boys are gutted. The giggling reduces to a mere smile. Neville finds a couple of pieces of shell in his mouthful of crab.
Zana2 annoys, and talks about fighting for some strange reason.

My wife just baked a blueberry pie. Looking forward to having some vanilla ice cream with that! Nom nom nom...

"This main is now really important" says Alex in his most monotone voice. JP aka Guy Smiley isn't impressed with Zana2's negativity. He doesn't break that smile though. There is some discussion about the duck. Guy Smiley smiles and talks about breasts. Zana2 has never eaten duck. No wonder she is such an angry individual.
The boys are struggling to get the duck skin to be crispy. Again, their brains begin to strain under the pressures of processing thoughts. They deliver the meals to the dining table. The plating leaves a lot to be desired. Manu almost dies from chili overload, and we are taken to an ad.

I watch as my blind cat carefully enters the living room in case I have placed an obstacle in her way to test her.

Manu is really feeling the heat in the chili. Seems to be struggling to speak to the cooks. "I think you have done very well" the boys are relieved. Manu isn't too worried about the lack of crispness of the skin. It wasn't a perfect curry, but better than they expected from these numb nuts.
I have a feeling Neville will love anything he eats. Makes me wonder whether he knows what good food is. Zana2 on the other hand... well.

"It's a lava cake for a reason, we need it to be lava" the boys fuss over the cakes and we go to Neville for some thoughts on what lava cake should be like. The Italians make Manu blush. It's very funny. The plating for the dessert looks a lot better than the first 2 dishes. "A lava cake without lava is like a mine without trucks" I suppose that makes sense.
Zana2 is hoping for failure for the miners. Manu didn't get the lava and Pete did. The dessert was too sweet. No balance. Alex stands on one leg and then realises Pete was still talking about the dish.
Zana2 didn't like the chocolate sauce and other stuff. Martino is upset. He does his Italian overreacting thing and says he can taste the dead flesh of the victims of Pompeii. It was something along those lines anyway.

The guest teams score out of 10 per couple:
The Indonesian sisters: 6
Zana2 and partner: 5
Guy Smiley and Co: 5
Italian dramatic: 5
Neville and wife: 4

Combined: 25/50

Judges turn to score:
Entree - The crab - Manu 5 - Pete 4
Main - Curry - Manu 8 - Pete 8
Dessert - Lava cake - Manu 4 - Pete 6

Grand total of 60

OK, ciao!

MKR Rundown - Episode 6

Image thanks to MKR and Channel 7

MKR Rundown - Episode 6

I know you are probably thinking last time I checked 5 came after 4. You're not crazy, this is still the case. I missed the blog last night. I needed to be fresh to handle Zana tonight. So lets do this. Never have I wanted to see someone fail so badly as I do tonight.

So GZee are cooking tonight and the intro is a montage of the the contestants hating on the hosts. As much as I hate these two, they have good taste. They get in a white Carrera which matches their kitchen nicely. They are still a pair of cockheads.

"I'm a bit of a ball breaker" states Zana. Gianni doesn't argue with her. Evil Zana couldn't handle using a standard cow liver. So they make sure the liver comes from a baby cow instead. The horn gets stuck on Gianni's expensive Volkswagen and he looks kind of embarrassed by it.

The dining room is swanky, but it would want to be considering how these two have been talking. I can't imagine that these two hired their kitchen, though I wouldn't be surprised. It's a NICE kitchen. Did I mention that? "It's too hard" says Zana, as she kneads her dough. I feel like it isn't a term that Gianni has heard before. Zana plays with her balls and unfortunately they turn into a very nice looking filo pastry. Damn, I hope she burns the pita. Gianni starts slicing baby livers.

We come back from the ad and Zana is stressing about the pita still.

The guests are walking the streets of Brighton to the devil house. "God they are looking gorgeous!" Says Jordan in his campest possible voice. They called their restaurant Monte Nero as it is an Italian translation of Montenegro. Why didn't they just call it Montenegro? Anyway, let's not dwell on common sense too much.

There is a word that I try not to use in public, and rarely behind close doors either. But if Zana doesn't stop being one I might not be able to help it. Manu looks pretty suave in his tux. He looks like he was born wearing it.

I suspect by the blue bandaid on Zana's hand that she will lose consciousness at any moment from all the blood loss.

The hand gesture weather updates are provided in the break.

Albanian pita with beetroot hummus.

"I have to say that I am devastated that I don't have any more to eat" damn you Manu!!! Damn YOU!

It's perfect apparently. That's what she needs, more confidence. Credit where it is due I guess. Those around the table that are complaining about the salt and the garlic in the dish are obviously eating the wrong food.

Here is a good tip for everyone "If you can't handle the heat, don't marry an Albanian".

With all their love for themselves, GZee screw up the breadcrumbs. That's right, they struggle to dry some bread.

Ah shit, they didn't screw up the breadcrumbs. They really are a perfect couple of assholes aren't they. I am having flashbacks to when my grandmother would trick me into eating liver by telling me it was chicken schnitzel. I want to vomit. I hate liver.

The SA ladies mix up Albanians and albino's. They all laugh hysterically.

Manu loves the liver. Everyone is mortified.

"I love liver!" announces Paige from SA. "Yes" says the other one from SA. Manu is taken aback. 

Other stuff happens and we get to discussing police officers eating doughnuts. There is concern around the lack of the letter 's' in the dessert part of the menu. "Just one doughnut?"

Switch Therapy looks like an interesting show.

Bernie Sanders for president! #feelthebern

I have never been so interested in American politics.

The test doughnuts are a little bit under cooked. The plating of the dessert is nice. Served with an espresso shot. "One doughnut, like one boob" says Paige with some of that whit we have come to know her for.

Peter and Manu like it again. Could be some big scores tonight. Again, very annoying, but they did a very good job.

Manu doesn't like the fact that they skimped on the chocolate. It was too sweet for the dessert. Should have used a better chocolate. Manu and his freakin desserts!

The coppers are happy with their doughnuts. Jordan wanted more doughnut.

The guests score out of a possible 10:

Oh hang on, no they don't. It's the last episode for this group, so they need to travel to a warehouse somewhere I guess.

It's a fancy looking warehouse. I think it isn't a warehouse.

Time to reveal the scores

Entree - Pita and hummus - Manu 10 - Pete 10 - Holy shit, top of the board for sure.

Main - Baby livers - Manu 9 - Pete 10

Dessert - Doughnuts (wog style) - Manu 8 - Pete 8

Guest combined score of 42/50

Grand total of 97 - Zana can't do maths as she admits.

Cheryl and Matt are disappointed. See ya guys!

New group tomorrow. Stay tuned!

MKR Rundown - Episode 4

Image by MKR and Channel 7

MKR Rundown - Episode 4

So we have had the cops, the siblings and the odd couple as we are reminded by the voiceover guy. There are some flashbacks and and ladder update which I can't be bothered with other than to say that the odd couple are on the bottom.

The hilarious SA ladies are cooking tonight and I think they are going to do a good job of it. Even if they don't it's going to be a cracker.
These ladies hail from Plympton. As expected from SA, they are totally chilled.
They go grocery shopping directly from the cafe. One of them states that they love running as they run across the carpark towards the enormous Coles sign. They are going to make Lamb backstrap for entree so they take a bunch of them from the Coles fridge.
Chicken and leek zucchini pie for main. Sounds alright.
Grandma's gingerbread with rum and raisin ice cream for dessert. The judges are pumped as they look over the menu.
The SA ladies didn't hire their kitchen, it's pretty pox. Some of their decorations are falling apart and Rosie grabs a hammer.
Big Love Grub is the name of the restaurant. "We've wasted an hour of our prep time" says Rosie. "It's not ideal" says Paige. Rosie concurs.
Cooking takes place which is lucky, because this is in fact a cooking show. The channel 7 producers seem to overlook that fact on most occasions.

The siblings are looking forward to some old fashioned family cooking. Cheryl and Matt (old & young) are delusional suggesting they have any chance of winning. Zana says things which annoys even her co-conspirator.

An explanation of the restaurant name is provided. Everyone is given paper bags with slippers in them. Everyone loves it. Even Zana is caught enjoying herself. How fun are these girls with their little gifts!
SA 1 and 2 talk about their backstraps. Superstition by Stevie Wonder plays as the judges pull up in their fancy Commodore.
Zana isn't sure about the pickled beetroot. Makes a funny face.
The girls are happy that the lamb isn't bleeding when they cut through it which means that the lamb is in fact no longer breathing. Cheryl is underwhelmed when the plate is placed in front of her. Seems happy about it. Relax darling, you're not winning this by a long shot.

Ad break. Norm is fighting traffic fines that aren't his. This is the news break we are given. Like the bullshit on MKR isn't enough.

Manu places a piece of lamb delicately onto his tongue. The judges make eyes with each other. "The dish lacked seasoning unfortunately" the judges were obviously hoping these girls would win it too.
The others eat. As expected, Cheryl doesn't like it because she doesn't want to lose. Zana pipes up about the seasoning, also as expected.
SA girls are getting their pies ready. The dining room is aflutter with pie discussion.
Manu goes into the kitchen and lights a rocket up the girls to make sure he gets some pie really soon.

Mango and chamomile! That IS a surprising fusion! An ad about tea.

"We don't have enough pastry" we come back from the ad to a discussion around the lack of pastry for the pie. An important element for a pie.
A test pie is placed in the oven. Meanwhile Zana annoys everyone.
My wife just brought me a homemade blueberry muffin made with freshly picked berries and icecream for dessert. Lets pretend nothing happens for a few minutes.
My dessert takes us to an ad. It's OK, they haven't started eating yet. It's just been a lot more pie discussion.

The carrots are overcooked. It is killing me that these girls are struggling through this. A sneaky look in the oven makes the girls kinda happy. Peas are scooped onto the top of the pies and presented to the dining room. Everyone is happy with the big pies because they have apparently been waiting for a long time. Judges weren't overly impressed with the overall dish. Manu liked the pastry, and we know fat French people love pastry.
Zana and her wog aren't pie eaters, so they have nothing to compare the pies to. It is simple, do you like the way the pie tastes? If yes, tick the box that says yes, nice pie.

"Wanted" - the brilliant new drama, that won't let you go! Let me be the judge of that channel 7.

Nothing is going right for these two. They made gingerbread cake for starters. People want biscuits, not cake. The icecream isn't set either. Disappointing. Looks boring.
Pete is glad they made the cake instead of the biscuit. Manu - "the icecream is a failure".
"Oh my God, what if we are Cheryl and Matt bad?" It's OK, no one is that bad. Zana's eyes roll into the back of her head as she gives her less than positive thoughts on the dish.

I'm really not feeling this episode. I had so much hope for it.

Scores out of 10 by the other contestants:
Zana and the wog - 5
Jordan and his mum - 6
Siblings - 7
Old and young - 4 - Strategic!
Coppers - 4 - Strategic!
Combined - 26/50

Judges do their bit:
Entree - lamb backstrap - Manu 7 - Pete 6 - they have already beaten old & young
Main - the pie - Manu 5 - Pete 5 too salty
Dessert - gingerbread cake - Manu 5 - Pete 5

That is a grand total of 55/100

Tomorrow night is dinner at my parents house. MKR does not get in the way of my mums cooking. Rest assured I'll be back Tuesday.

MKR Rundown - Episode 3

Photo by MKR and Channel 7

MKR Rundown - Episode 3

I just had eggplant parmigiana for dinner and I am ready for bed now.

"This cougar" says the cougar
"And this cat" says the man child
"Are ready to roar" says the cougar
So it is Cheryl and Matt's turn to cook tonight in sunny Brisvegas. Cheryl has her tits out as she makes a cup of tea for Matt and brings it to the bedroom. No shit, almost seeing nipple right now. It's all very uncomfortable for everyone involved. Sassy Cheryl and her man child get in a sassy red Commodore and shoot down to the shop.
As old and young hightail it to Coles, a Coles truck drives into shot from the opposite direction. I think the drivers name was Frank.
"We're going as fast as a rat out of an aqueduct" That's an interesting way to put it Matt. Cheryl is driving and I assume it is because her young lover is not old enough to drive yet.

They set up the dining room and reckon a strategically placed whoopee cushion would be hilarious. These guys are going to serve a caesar salad for entrée in a cooking competition. I get the impression the odd couple are only in it because they are strange. They wouldn't be the first contestants with such a lack of cooking qualifications. Cheryl almost slips and dies in the kitchen but Matt catches her. It seemed staged. The whoopee cushion was hillaaaarious!
We get our first ad before the judges arrive. "First Dates" looks like the most awful excuse for a television program since My Kitchen Rules Ukraine.

Return to the caeser salad and Matt managed to burn the bacon in the oven. Apparently he wants different textures in the caeser salad. Nothing to do with him being shit or anything.
Rosie and Paige from SA are the funniest couple I have seen on this show. Fantastic. They give Zana shit for not being able to wink.
Pete and Manu arrive. The menus are printed on a vinyl record. Pretty cool.
Paige loves swordfish, "floats my boat" in fact.
I want Manu's jacket. The hosts go back into the kitchen and Matt complains about the old lady's flirting with the judges. Matt screws up another important element of the caeser salad in the chicken. Undercooks it. How?!

Zana tells the rest of the table that she doesn't like lettuce. We all wait in anticipation for her to start rejecting oxygen.

This looks like the most basic caeser salad in the history of caeser salads. I made a better salad when I was working at La Porchetta as a 14 year old. Anyway, they serve the salad. The plating leaves a lot to be imagined. It's just a plate of food essentially. 

Haha... the lifesaver wasn't wearing any glasses and came back to shore with a seal. Classic Spec Savers, classic.

We come back to the judges judging the caeser salad. There was no love or passion in the salad. "...it didn't look attractive" Well neither do you Pete!
Manu wants more. He says "pochag" instead of poached egg. Matt is miffed by the critique offered by the judges. Mate, please. You made a salad, and you made it badly.
Zana struggles with the limited lettuce that was on the plate. She needs to know that they are washed individually like some sort of nutter. This woman, I swear.

Jane Bunn gives us the weather with her hands. All her hands. She waves them like she is conducting an orchestra. Budget Direct ads suck monkey balls. Not funny guys.

Swordfish time. The odd couple are preparing the main. They are very confident that the flavours are right, then again they thought the same about their shitty salad.
"If my proteins overcooked I can't eat it" says Zana. Everyone just looks at her. Amazing how bad the producers make Zana look. I really hate her, even though I know it's exaggerated. And she continues to annoy the other contestants at the table by talking about being a better dictator than Stalin. Death is the solution to all problems. No Zana, no problems.

Mains are served. The judges do their eating thing. I'd like Manu's jacket in red rather than purple. I want to touch him. He looks so soft and velvety.

Andy makes everything out of Colourbond. What a douche.

Anybody else think that Pete looks like a mouse, or is it just me? Manu says things with his velvety jacket. He doesn't like the mushy fish. I think we might have a new bottom to the MKR ladder. How do you not season the pea puree? 
Cheryl takes the news with a simple "Bugger. Bugger, bugger, bugger"
Zana hates hairy carrots. Cheryl and Matt are doing a bit of a Pulp Fiction dance thing in the kitchen. You ain't got nothin' on Travolta and Thurman.

Dessert looks like it is going to be uber shite. Jordan talks heaps and his Mum Anna can't get a word in. He is looking forward to the dessert. It's gonna be shit mate.

The ice cream is creamy, that's a good start. Hurry up and dish it so I can go to bed. 
It turns out Anna entered the Miss Malta competition when she was a young lady.
Cheryl and Matt scoop runny poo into some glasses and top them with raspberries to try and detract from the pile of shit at the bottom.
Zana is having an anxiety attack at seeing that the glass is dirty.
Manu gives Cheryl a short lesson in what chocolate actually is. Then he gives them a lesson in what ice cream is. Pete suddenly is the nice guy out of the two judges. I want to cry for Cheryl.

Advertisement time. These guys have no idea that their food tastes like shit. This is a problem.

Awwww, Cheryl's been crying.

The teams are going to score the dishes out of a possible 10:
Bro & sis - 4
Mum & Son - 3
SA funny ladies - 3
Cops - 4
Lawyers - 3

Combined total of 17/50

Judges score the dishes:
Entrée - Chicken caeser salad - Manu 4 - Pete 3
Main - Grilled swordfish - Manu 2 - Pete 3
Dessert - Chocolate seduction pudding - Manu 1 - Pete 1

31/100 - yeah...

Crappy, crappy, crappy, crappy crap, crap

Some of the other contestants are crying it is so bad. It is almost like someone was murdered in front of their eyes.

MKR Rundown - Episode 2

Photo by MKR and Channel 7

MKR Rundown - Episode 2

"Law and order, come face to face" says the voiceover man, referring to the cops and the lawyer ignoramuses sitting across from each other at the dining table.

Mitch and Laura are brother and sister from the Mornington Peninsula. Laura is a little nervous. Hideous hairdo's for these siblings. They know it too... yet they leave it as it is. Fair enough, do what you dig I guess.

They shoot off to the shops pretty quickly. The chat seems strangely uncomfortable considering they are siblings. Must be the presence of the cameras watching everything they say. Your Mum might be watching...

They are looking for beautiful cuts of venison at the butcher. Good place to look I would say. Coles don't stock venison last time I checked. "Our titles on the menu are kinda simple, because..." because your kinda simple too? I think so. We cut to Manu telling Pete about venison and Pete does his crazy paleo eyes. Coles... I think all they went there for was cherries. I would have gone to the fruit shop guys. Coles cherries are shite.

"We walk into the kitchen, and the first thing we see is a ticking clock"... seems legit. Mitch stacks wood in the dining room and Laura puts grass on the table. Looks awful. Laura gives a fairly accurate description of Zana the lawyer witch. Laura knows what's what.

The kids setup the ice cream maker and get excited when they open the knife set. Their mum enters to make sure they don't cut themselves.I get the impression that these kids can cook. How boring for a blog. Burn something please.

Zana is dying because her Valentino's are getting dirty as she walks down the drive way. My wife is in love and would probably cut Zana just above the hoof to get her hands on those shoes.

The doorbell rings and the producers can't get the kids to overreact about it. It's the first ad. I'm struggling for content guys. "Wanted" looks like it has potential. Rebecca Gibney got a job which is nice. Stephen Peacocke did too, not so nice.

I would normally be using ad time to clean up the first stint of the post, but I find myself watching the ads. Not a good night for MKR. These kids are going to do a good job. I think I might start picking on contestants.

We come back from the break and see lots of animals. Sheep, koalas and then they show Zana. Yep. Thats right, I am going to go full bitch on this lawyer ho. 

The dining room must stink! Pine shit everywhere. The cops are nervous and then they meet the lawyers. Zana instantly offends the cops by calling them horrific. Who is she going to call when one of her clients decides he doesn't like the job she is doing and kidnaps her and tortures her while her husband watches. Hey? Who is she going to call? The cops. She sucks!

The judges arrive, and again, to the dismay of the judges the kids don't get overly excited. Everyone seems impressed with the menu except the Zana. The SA ladies are a classic. There is a bit of chat about some termites walking across the table. Little do they know they had just escaped Zana's wooden heart.

SA woman and Manu make a bet that the entrée will be served in a smoke filled cloche, almost like she had seen the ads for it.

They serve the dish and it looks epic. Everyone is astounded by the presentation. I told you these kids can cook. Oh God, they forgot to add the jus! Zana is going to have something shitty to say about that!

And we're back. Mitch and Laura are tense. Turns out Laura has been a bit of a jus.

Manu is soooooo impressed. It's just gorgeous... "but there is a but". Manu noticed the Jew, or was it the Jus? Pete goes on about ticking boxes or something. We think its a bad thing and then he gets all Petey Creepy and explains that the dish was kinda shit. Zana tells us about it. Her teeth hurt. Maybe shut up then! "I'm really upset about my meat" says Zana. The guy sitting next to her looks down towards his bits and seems embarrassed. Zana doesn't like pig, but she likes acting like a massive pig. She then goes on to tell us she doesn't "want pig taste in my mouth." Again, the guy next to her looks at his pants and looks embarrassed.

This weather lady kills me with her hand gestures. You aren't presenting a prize on The Price Is Right woman! It's the weather. Please!

A trip to the NT seems like a nice thing to do.

The wild boar is overcooking, and I don't mean Zana is getting angry. Hey, hey. *Nudge nudge*

One of the police ladies tells the fakest story I have heard alive about fluffy handcuffs, almost like she saw a movie about it. She is a BAD liar.Back in the rented kitchen, the entrée jus was forgotten and now the main jus has been murdered. Again Manu, you will get no jus.

They serve mains. Cheryl says "It's not as theatrical as the first course" but then Hugh Jackman jumps out from behind the bushes and does his best Peter Alan impression, so all good.

That was a quick set between ads. *Twiddles thumbs*

The Northern Territory looks nice again.

We are forced to watch a Commonwealth bank Can moment before we get back to the show. Pete is pleased with the dish, needs some work. But he is pleased. I have no idea what Manu is saying. I need French accent lessons. I hear the words, carrot, puree, amazing food. Even then I can't be sure they are the words he actually spoke.

Back in the kitchen kids and sort out your dessert while the Zana Valentino-wearing hoof lady does her shitty human stuff. Laura tries to temper her own chocolate. My wife suggests some amazing ideas on how to warm the bench.

The cougar and her man child tell everyone about their kissing technique and Matt looks like he wants to make out with his mum.

Laura is getting the "chocolate feels" apparently, I tend to agree. It looks good. I'm pretty sure she calls Mitch a bitch. But I can't be sure. Mitch describes how he was able to delicately turn a tray upside down... it really wasn't that hard.

Dessert looks fully sick. Fully sick wouldn't be a term these two have used before. Laura tries to describe her melting ice cream. It's soup, like soup, like really soup. Hang on no, it's more like soft serve ice cream apparently. No, it's sloppy ice cream. I can't keep up. Take me to an ad please Channel 7. Thank you.

"Dessert is served"

Zana is disappointed again. Big fucken surprise!

Manu taps his chocolate. I think he is trying to say he wants to tap that. Cheeky bugger Manu. I know what you're all about Frenchy!

Mitch reckons he had a fiddle in the kitchen. Alrighty then. Pete couldn't fault it, except the ice cream. Almost perfect dish for Pete. Manu said it was in fact perfect though.

Manu goes on a bit, essentially he is saying that he is a fatty and he loves dessert, so it's no surprise that he didn't care about the runny ice cream. The kids go back to the kitchen and Laura loses her shit. Matt and his mum like the dessert. Zana stabs herself in the eye and does us all a favour by removing herself from the competition after realising she is a massive bitch. The guy next to her tries not to laugh at her display of self mutilation. The rest of the lady contestants pounce and fight to take the Valentino's off her lifeless corpse.

Teams will now give their 3 course meal a score out of 10:

SA ladies give them a 9

Cougar and man child - 8

Mother and son - 9

Zana and the dude with her - 8

Copper ladies - 7 - Strategic. Obvious.

Sub total - 41/50

"It's judgement time"

Pete does his intro, who cares.

Entree: smoked venison - Manu 6 - Pete 7

Main: not so roasted wild boar - Manu 8 - Pete 8

The kids are killing it!

Dessert: black forrest cake - Manu 10 - Pete 9

Well Christ in a croquembouche - Grand Total of 89/100 Wowzers!

MKR Rundown - Episode 1

Image from Channel 7 and MKR Australia

MKR Rundown - Episode 1

It's all very dramatic guys. Cut to snippets of the season with dramatic backing music. I wonder what Anthony Callea is doing in the jungle right now on Channel 10.

A couple of dark skinned girls in the series, a gay Italian couple, annoying middle aged couple, there is a bitch in the group with a partner who we are not supposed to care about. It's kinda like last season.
Manu hasn't lost his accent, and Pete is dying of malnutrition. A very bald and very Aussie guy just gave a Fonzie "ayyyeee".

Monique and Sarah are cops from Mount Druid. Their rented kitchen comes fitted out with family photos strategically placed on the fridge. "We're the friendly police!"
They take a trip to the local shops. I have a feeling it isn't going to be an IGA supermarket. They kill the mood by mentioning fatal car crashes. Bloody hell. Holy shit, they are in a regular supermarket! Surely there is something that they can't find and they HAVE to go to Coles to source it. They run around the shop like they are really in a rush.
"We're gonna have to lay the law down tonight!" Jesus Christ...
And we finally make it to Coles. The list is ripped and they try and act panicked. Neither of them remember what is on the list. They mention this over and over in case we hadn't understood. They retrace their tracks and find their list. One of them says "Being a detective 101" somebody shoot me. Pete says "They are police officers, hopefully they can handle the heat".

The girls call their restaurant Crime and Nourishment. Well done girls... genius.
They giggle and get all girly, I struggle to see them as serious police officers. My wife calls out in the background "Beetroot is already plural moron!" I love that woman.

Sarah keeps looking at the camera. You're supposed to pretend it isn't there Sarah, she'll learn. Beetroot is starting to look like a crime scene. I hope one murders the other to be honest, I'd prefer to see that crime scene.
The sides have sunk on the tart.

In what suburb did these women hire their kitchen? There isn't even any footpaths for the guests to walk on! The tarts look shit back in the kitchen. The guests arrive at the door after casting judgement on people they haven't even met yet. The coppers scream like little girls. I doubt anyone lives in this house normally. There is something about it. Probably the lack of blinds that throws me off.

It was a long time to get to the first ad break, but they punish us by making it drag out. Everybody has perfect teeth in this group! The young kid kisses his mum. Police academy music plays as they enter the dining room. Apparently they don't look like police women. That came from another woman. People suck balls... Zana isn't comfortable with the décor. Australia wants to simultaneously strangle her. MKR producers have quickly made us hate one of the contestants. Cheryl calls the bitch and her partner "the supermodel couple". It turns out they are actually the cockiest lawyers in the world. They go on to tell us they are uber rich and they don't need the winnings. They aren't going to get far.

This is going to be a long blog... lets do one more couple. The couple from SA seem nice... that'll do. Lets ignore the rest.

Sarah's flan is dry. Hang on, we need to get into another couple. Cheryl is 50 and Matt is 26, and they are dating! Nice work Matt! Well done Cheryl! Hang on, they are getting way too excited on camera. Anyway... there is more about the other contestants.

The song "The Heat is On" from Beverly Hills Cop plays as we go back to the kitchen. Then we cut to Barry White music as the girls discuss sexually harassing Manu. Pete and Manu save us from the rubbish. Time for an ad.

The guests of honour enter the house and the girls don't buckle at the knees as they originally suggested they might. Laura is "freaking all over the place". I bet she is! She ends up bursting into tears. Manu says some stuff that noone understands, but everyone pretends. The menu's are written in invisible ink. I wonder what the bitch lawyer woman is going to say about it => "This is definitely a menu we can beat, I have no doubt about it"

Goats cheese is Jordan's life. If SA lady wasn't so nice she looks like she might tear the eyeballs out of bitchy lawyers face. Should I be careful what I write about a lawyer? Meh.

Entrée is served. Goats Cheese tart. Presentation is amazing. Zana the lawyer bitch just talks and it is all negative. The cops are losing their shit while watching Manu eat his entrée, yet we feel she is capable of carrying a gun and upholding the law. Police officers in general should not be showing us what they are really like, it makes me nervous. Commercial break. I need it, I feel like I have been doing this for a week already.

Manu says caramelised onions like he has had a minor stroke. "Camaliiiiised".
He says other things, mainly that he is happy with it. Pete is getting nasty. "First night jitters?" he suggests. I think Manu was just intimidated by a couple of female cops. The tart is too crumbly, needs more goats cheese and other such criticisms. Cheryl laughs at Zana because she's a massive snob. Everyone tends to agree with Cheryl.
The coppers get onto cooking the fish. "It's a crime against food if we overcook the fish". Why do they feel like ridiculous puns are so important?
My wife "Why do all 12 fillets at once?!" She's getting angry. Now she knows how I feel.
Matt likes chips, he goes on about crunch. We focus on Zana bitch again and I just can't handle it. I am not writing about her anymore in this episode. I don't care what happens.
Manu goes into the kitchen to bust balls and invades Monique's personal space.

"Asparagus are in" smelly urine tonight guys! Woohoo! Thrice cooked chips are being strategically placed onto pieces of fish. They only put 3 chips each plate. Come on! They serve the dishes. Again, not a bad looking plate.
While Pete and Manu taste their dishes, everyone else's food gets cold. Manu doesn't like it much. Pete says "the ratios are a little bit out of whack", "room for improvement". Not great.
We watch everyone else eat, including she who must not be named. Jordan loves his salmon.
'
I am doing everything in my power to not switch over to I'm a celebrit"y... killing me. How are Fev and Callea getting on?

The guests get a little rambunctious and play with the police sirens.
Sticky fig & date pudding for dessert. It looks delicious! The guests seem to agree. Lets watch Manu eat for a bit. What a beautiful man he is. Manu loves the dessert. Too much sauce apparently! Well well Manu! How you've changed! Pete can't think of anything original to say, so he just goes with what Manu said. I think it looks good.

I think this is the final break. Thank God we are nearing the end of this abomination. I am pretty sure that there is a missing chapter of Leviticus which refers to that abomination that is MKR. And all that have MKR in the name, and of all that is such poor television, they shall be an abomination unto you. I think that's how it went.

The guests give their two cents and go ahead and score:
6 from bro and sis
6 from SA ladies
Child and mother 6
Cougar and young guy 6
Zana bitch and the guy that with her 6
Total combined guest score of 30 out of 50.

Judges thoughts
Entrée - Tarts: Manu - 7 / Pete - 7
Main - Crispy skin salmon: Manu - 5 / Pete - 6 -- Ouch!
Dessert - Fig pudding thing: Manu says it was too sweet - 7 / Pete thinks a lot - 6

Grand Total Score of 68 out of 100

They seem content with this.