MKR Rundown - Episode 1

Image from Channel 7 and MKR Australia

MKR Rundown - Episode 1

It's all very dramatic guys. Cut to snippets of the season with dramatic backing music. I wonder what Anthony Callea is doing in the jungle right now on Channel 10.

A couple of dark skinned girls in the series, a gay Italian couple, annoying middle aged couple, there is a bitch in the group with a partner who we are not supposed to care about. It's kinda like last season.
Manu hasn't lost his accent, and Pete is dying of malnutrition. A very bald and very Aussie guy just gave a Fonzie "ayyyeee".

Monique and Sarah are cops from Mount Druid. Their rented kitchen comes fitted out with family photos strategically placed on the fridge. "We're the friendly police!"
They take a trip to the local shops. I have a feeling it isn't going to be an IGA supermarket. They kill the mood by mentioning fatal car crashes. Bloody hell. Holy shit, they are in a regular supermarket! Surely there is something that they can't find and they HAVE to go to Coles to source it. They run around the shop like they are really in a rush.
"We're gonna have to lay the law down tonight!" Jesus Christ...
And we finally make it to Coles. The list is ripped and they try and act panicked. Neither of them remember what is on the list. They mention this over and over in case we hadn't understood. They retrace their tracks and find their list. One of them says "Being a detective 101" somebody shoot me. Pete says "They are police officers, hopefully they can handle the heat".

The girls call their restaurant Crime and Nourishment. Well done girls... genius.
They giggle and get all girly, I struggle to see them as serious police officers. My wife calls out in the background "Beetroot is already plural moron!" I love that woman.

Sarah keeps looking at the camera. You're supposed to pretend it isn't there Sarah, she'll learn. Beetroot is starting to look like a crime scene. I hope one murders the other to be honest, I'd prefer to see that crime scene.
The sides have sunk on the tart.

In what suburb did these women hire their kitchen? There isn't even any footpaths for the guests to walk on! The tarts look shit back in the kitchen. The guests arrive at the door after casting judgement on people they haven't even met yet. The coppers scream like little girls. I doubt anyone lives in this house normally. There is something about it. Probably the lack of blinds that throws me off.

It was a long time to get to the first ad break, but they punish us by making it drag out. Everybody has perfect teeth in this group! The young kid kisses his mum. Police academy music plays as they enter the dining room. Apparently they don't look like police women. That came from another woman. People suck balls... Zana isn't comfortable with the décor. Australia wants to simultaneously strangle her. MKR producers have quickly made us hate one of the contestants. Cheryl calls the bitch and her partner "the supermodel couple". It turns out they are actually the cockiest lawyers in the world. They go on to tell us they are uber rich and they don't need the winnings. They aren't going to get far.

This is going to be a long blog... lets do one more couple. The couple from SA seem nice... that'll do. Lets ignore the rest.

Sarah's flan is dry. Hang on, we need to get into another couple. Cheryl is 50 and Matt is 26, and they are dating! Nice work Matt! Well done Cheryl! Hang on, they are getting way too excited on camera. Anyway... there is more about the other contestants.

The song "The Heat is On" from Beverly Hills Cop plays as we go back to the kitchen. Then we cut to Barry White music as the girls discuss sexually harassing Manu. Pete and Manu save us from the rubbish. Time for an ad.

The guests of honour enter the house and the girls don't buckle at the knees as they originally suggested they might. Laura is "freaking all over the place". I bet she is! She ends up bursting into tears. Manu says some stuff that noone understands, but everyone pretends. The menu's are written in invisible ink. I wonder what the bitch lawyer woman is going to say about it => "This is definitely a menu we can beat, I have no doubt about it"

Goats cheese is Jordan's life. If SA lady wasn't so nice she looks like she might tear the eyeballs out of bitchy lawyers face. Should I be careful what I write about a lawyer? Meh.

Entrée is served. Goats Cheese tart. Presentation is amazing. Zana the lawyer bitch just talks and it is all negative. The cops are losing their shit while watching Manu eat his entrée, yet we feel she is capable of carrying a gun and upholding the law. Police officers in general should not be showing us what they are really like, it makes me nervous. Commercial break. I need it, I feel like I have been doing this for a week already.

Manu says caramelised onions like he has had a minor stroke. "Camaliiiiised".
He says other things, mainly that he is happy with it. Pete is getting nasty. "First night jitters?" he suggests. I think Manu was just intimidated by a couple of female cops. The tart is too crumbly, needs more goats cheese and other such criticisms. Cheryl laughs at Zana because she's a massive snob. Everyone tends to agree with Cheryl.
The coppers get onto cooking the fish. "It's a crime against food if we overcook the fish". Why do they feel like ridiculous puns are so important?
My wife "Why do all 12 fillets at once?!" She's getting angry. Now she knows how I feel.
Matt likes chips, he goes on about crunch. We focus on Zana bitch again and I just can't handle it. I am not writing about her anymore in this episode. I don't care what happens.
Manu goes into the kitchen to bust balls and invades Monique's personal space.

"Asparagus are in" smelly urine tonight guys! Woohoo! Thrice cooked chips are being strategically placed onto pieces of fish. They only put 3 chips each plate. Come on! They serve the dishes. Again, not a bad looking plate.
While Pete and Manu taste their dishes, everyone else's food gets cold. Manu doesn't like it much. Pete says "the ratios are a little bit out of whack", "room for improvement". Not great.
We watch everyone else eat, including she who must not be named. Jordan loves his salmon.
'
I am doing everything in my power to not switch over to I'm a celebrit"y... killing me. How are Fev and Callea getting on?

The guests get a little rambunctious and play with the police sirens.
Sticky fig & date pudding for dessert. It looks delicious! The guests seem to agree. Lets watch Manu eat for a bit. What a beautiful man he is. Manu loves the dessert. Too much sauce apparently! Well well Manu! How you've changed! Pete can't think of anything original to say, so he just goes with what Manu said. I think it looks good.

I think this is the final break. Thank God we are nearing the end of this abomination. I am pretty sure that there is a missing chapter of Leviticus which refers to that abomination that is MKR. And all that have MKR in the name, and of all that is such poor television, they shall be an abomination unto you. I think that's how it went.

The guests give their two cents and go ahead and score:
6 from bro and sis
6 from SA ladies
Child and mother 6
Cougar and young guy 6
Zana bitch and the guy that with her 6
Total combined guest score of 30 out of 50.

Judges thoughts
Entrée - Tarts: Manu - 7 / Pete - 7
Main - Crispy skin salmon: Manu - 5 / Pete - 6 -- Ouch!
Dessert - Fig pudding thing: Manu says it was too sweet - 7 / Pete thinks a lot - 6

Grand Total Score of 68 out of 100

They seem content with this.