MKR Rundown - Episode 3

Photo by MKR and Channel 7

MKR Rundown - Episode 3

I just had eggplant parmigiana for dinner and I am ready for bed now.

"This cougar" says the cougar
"And this cat" says the man child
"Are ready to roar" says the cougar
So it is Cheryl and Matt's turn to cook tonight in sunny Brisvegas. Cheryl has her tits out as she makes a cup of tea for Matt and brings it to the bedroom. No shit, almost seeing nipple right now. It's all very uncomfortable for everyone involved. Sassy Cheryl and her man child get in a sassy red Commodore and shoot down to the shop.
As old and young hightail it to Coles, a Coles truck drives into shot from the opposite direction. I think the drivers name was Frank.
"We're going as fast as a rat out of an aqueduct" That's an interesting way to put it Matt. Cheryl is driving and I assume it is because her young lover is not old enough to drive yet.

They set up the dining room and reckon a strategically placed whoopee cushion would be hilarious. These guys are going to serve a caesar salad for entrée in a cooking competition. I get the impression the odd couple are only in it because they are strange. They wouldn't be the first contestants with such a lack of cooking qualifications. Cheryl almost slips and dies in the kitchen but Matt catches her. It seemed staged. The whoopee cushion was hillaaaarious!
We get our first ad before the judges arrive. "First Dates" looks like the most awful excuse for a television program since My Kitchen Rules Ukraine.

Return to the caeser salad and Matt managed to burn the bacon in the oven. Apparently he wants different textures in the caeser salad. Nothing to do with him being shit or anything.
Rosie and Paige from SA are the funniest couple I have seen on this show. Fantastic. They give Zana shit for not being able to wink.
Pete and Manu arrive. The menus are printed on a vinyl record. Pretty cool.
Paige loves swordfish, "floats my boat" in fact.
I want Manu's jacket. The hosts go back into the kitchen and Matt complains about the old lady's flirting with the judges. Matt screws up another important element of the caeser salad in the chicken. Undercooks it. How?!

Zana tells the rest of the table that she doesn't like lettuce. We all wait in anticipation for her to start rejecting oxygen.

This looks like the most basic caeser salad in the history of caeser salads. I made a better salad when I was working at La Porchetta as a 14 year old. Anyway, they serve the salad. The plating leaves a lot to be imagined. It's just a plate of food essentially. 

Haha... the lifesaver wasn't wearing any glasses and came back to shore with a seal. Classic Spec Savers, classic.

We come back to the judges judging the caeser salad. There was no love or passion in the salad. "...it didn't look attractive" Well neither do you Pete!
Manu wants more. He says "pochag" instead of poached egg. Matt is miffed by the critique offered by the judges. Mate, please. You made a salad, and you made it badly.
Zana struggles with the limited lettuce that was on the plate. She needs to know that they are washed individually like some sort of nutter. This woman, I swear.

Jane Bunn gives us the weather with her hands. All her hands. She waves them like she is conducting an orchestra. Budget Direct ads suck monkey balls. Not funny guys.

Swordfish time. The odd couple are preparing the main. They are very confident that the flavours are right, then again they thought the same about their shitty salad.
"If my proteins overcooked I can't eat it" says Zana. Everyone just looks at her. Amazing how bad the producers make Zana look. I really hate her, even though I know it's exaggerated. And she continues to annoy the other contestants at the table by talking about being a better dictator than Stalin. Death is the solution to all problems. No Zana, no problems.

Mains are served. The judges do their eating thing. I'd like Manu's jacket in red rather than purple. I want to touch him. He looks so soft and velvety.

Andy makes everything out of Colourbond. What a douche.

Anybody else think that Pete looks like a mouse, or is it just me? Manu says things with his velvety jacket. He doesn't like the mushy fish. I think we might have a new bottom to the MKR ladder. How do you not season the pea puree? 
Cheryl takes the news with a simple "Bugger. Bugger, bugger, bugger"
Zana hates hairy carrots. Cheryl and Matt are doing a bit of a Pulp Fiction dance thing in the kitchen. You ain't got nothin' on Travolta and Thurman.

Dessert looks like it is going to be uber shite. Jordan talks heaps and his Mum Anna can't get a word in. He is looking forward to the dessert. It's gonna be shit mate.

The ice cream is creamy, that's a good start. Hurry up and dish it so I can go to bed. 
It turns out Anna entered the Miss Malta competition when she was a young lady.
Cheryl and Matt scoop runny poo into some glasses and top them with raspberries to try and detract from the pile of shit at the bottom.
Zana is having an anxiety attack at seeing that the glass is dirty.
Manu gives Cheryl a short lesson in what chocolate actually is. Then he gives them a lesson in what ice cream is. Pete suddenly is the nice guy out of the two judges. I want to cry for Cheryl.

Advertisement time. These guys have no idea that their food tastes like shit. This is a problem.

Awwww, Cheryl's been crying.

The teams are going to score the dishes out of a possible 10:
Bro & sis - 4
Mum & Son - 3
SA funny ladies - 3
Cops - 4
Lawyers - 3

Combined total of 17/50

Judges score the dishes:
Entrée - Chicken caeser salad - Manu 4 - Pete 3
Main - Grilled swordfish - Manu 2 - Pete 3
Dessert - Chocolate seduction pudding - Manu 1 - Pete 1

31/100 - yeah...

Crappy, crappy, crappy, crappy crap, crap

Some of the other contestants are crying it is so bad. It is almost like someone was murdered in front of their eyes.